Know Your Limits

Relationships blow my mind. They really do. So many times you find these people dealing with what looks like the same thing that those people are dealing with, yet they're never the same! Something is always slightly different in each situation. Maybe this girl has good reasons to back off(respect points, woman!), or they set different limits, or that guy isn't brave enough to just ask to court her no matter how obvious he's being ("No one likes too much attention from a desperate fool". Props to Weezer for saying that), or he's too enthusiastic and she gets scared, or maybe she's taking the lead and that scares him (fail).

I'd be willing to say that at least half of the relationship problems people tell me about end in the girl announcing that its time to back off, whether indefinitely or for a set time period. And rarely does she ask him to back off; she usually just tells him to. Interesting, hm? Why does that happen so much? I'll tell you why I think that is (and please correct me if you think I'm wrong in this).

First, girls like to get attention, and boys like to give it. And there is nothing wrong with that; its the way we're made. We just need to learn to control it. Girls need to learn to not accept it where its given wrongly, and boys need to learn not to give it unless its time. Yet, at the same time, its so much easier said than done, I know. I've messed up so many times by accepting the attention of guys who, as innocent as they might have been, shouldn't have given it to me in the first place, and because I accepted it, it just really made things that much more complicated. So much could have been avoided if I had simply responded differently.

Okay, now here's why I think the girls tell the boys to back off so much. After attention has been given and accepted in the wrong situations for a good amount of time (remember the key word here is "wrong situations". So girls, don't freak out, okay? This doesn't apply to every situation where a guy is giving you attention), the girl starts feeling guilty. Its not unusual for the guy to feel guilty too, but because this is from the girl's point of view, bear with me. Now, because women are relationship oriented, she starts wondering exactly what sort of relationship she has with said attention-giver. And when she realized just how far its gone, she freaks out. I swear that's what happens every single time. She'll figure out that either:
a) the boy doesn't like her more than a friend, and it'll never go anywhere(and that hurts),
b) the boy does like her more than a friend but isn't ready (or perhaps mature enough) to commit to anything more(and that hurts), or
c) the boy does like her more than a friend and is totally ready and mature enough to take it to the next level (and that can be just plain scary).
All three are enough to rock her world, and its at that point (usually at night) that she freaks out, and then has to make a decision about what to do. Either let things keep going, if she likes him back and is willing to wait or content to just be his friend. Or if she doesn't like him back, or is afraid to actually commit to anything in case her heart gets broken, then she'll want to step back, and sometimes away.

Now remember what I said about how she often doesn't ask him before making the decision? When she tells him to lay off it often comes out of the blue, and that rocks his world. Usually right before she says something like that things will have been going wonderfully, and they were probably both really super happy. But its things like that that will make a girl think, and I guess that's why the backing off usually happens after things seem to be going great.

Boys, I'm sorry we hurt you. Women are fragile and get nervous easily. We're not trying to hurt you. Please don't think that we've been running an agenda from the beginning with the end goal being your downfall. That's not the case. Girls are just thoughtless and selfish, and don't know how to say no to you.

Girls, please please please don't treat your gentlemen friends like this. First, be strong and just don't accept attention that isn't necessary. Nancy Wilson says that "no" is the hardest word in a woman's vocabulary, and its so true. But we need to (and can!) learn to say no graciously but firmly. Trust me, girls, it'll be hard, but you'll be respected so much more for it than if you let things go and make a mess of things later on for both of you. But if you do have to tell a young man to back off, please be gracious about it, and at least try to explain why. Backing off without telling him why is probably the hardest thing that he deals with after something like that, simply because he doesn't know what proceeded it, and he'll beat himself up about it if you leave him in the dark. If you must do it, please try not to do it out of the blue, and don't do it without at least trying to explain what you're thinking.

In the end, it comes down to giving and accepting attention. Please don't be naive, my friends. Know your limits. Know when to stop without crossing the line so that no one will get caught up in the first place. Girls, treat your brothers in Christ with respect, charity, and grace. Boys, treat your sisters in Christ as such, and be strong but gentle with us.

And if any of you are dealing with this right now, just remember that He is faithful, even when we aren't. You might feel like she just left without warning or explanation, and you don't understand. Or you might feel like you broke his heart, even if it was the right decision. Don't worry. Don't hold anything against the other, and keep short accounts with each other. Treat each other with Christian charity, and desire Him above all else. He is our portion and our greatest joy. Even if you do have the girl, or even if he is pursuing you to your joy. Remember who we serve, and trust and joy in Him always.

"The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup; you hold my lot.
The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance.
I bless the Lord who gives me counsel; in the night also my heart instructs me.
I have set the Lord always before me; because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken."

Psalm 16:5-8