How does one act ladylike about fear? I dread more than anything losing people. My friends, my family, my faith, I can't imagine anything more precious. But fear takes over when you feel like things are slipping away and you have no idea why. Sometimes you tell yourself that you *should* know why because so-and-so has done this before. It shouldn't surprise you anymore. It shouldn't hurt anymore. But it does. Fear makes a fool of us. It shakes us in our boots until we can't think. For men, you just "man up" and take control. But I can't do that. Not in the same way. I have to be gentle but calm, both of which are the opposites of what fear incites in me. How do I handle fear?
I'm bad at letting go, and I can't let go when I keep coming across it. Its easier when its gone. But if it won't leave, then maybe I should. I get claustrophobic, I need to travel. At least for a while. I'd been so happy here for months, not wanting out, not wanting to leave. Isn't it funny how fast things can change? I'll get out a map and stare at it and will myself to be there. But it never works. I will try my hardest to go at this new pace, but why wasn't I in on the change? I guess I never really was, but still. It would have been so much easier. Its my job to accept it, though, so I will. I'll let it go, because that's what's wanted. Its clear enough to me.
Its over. I'm gone. Wish me luck and wave goodbye, and I'll do the same.
1 comment:
I guess one of the things I've learned recently is that there are some things that are real. Even though I know I ought to be in control of them, they are still real.
You make it sound so easy for men to face fear. As if men could stop their hearts from pounding, and their souls from churning. If anything, men are just better actors. It's not socially acceptable for a man to cry. Lack of tears is strength, even though the world is upside down.
Faith, Fear and pain are real and thank God they are. They allow us to make sense of things and to take responsibility for our actions, and sometimes other's.
"So do not fear for I am with you. Do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen and protect you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
"'For I know the plans I have for you', Declares the Lord, 'Plans to prosper you and not to harm you; To give you hope and a future'"
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